Saturday, January 1, 2011

invincible@dartmouth

Well, blog-followers, it's the new year. We've made it through the first four minutes, with so many more four-minute intervals to go. I hope that none of you are reading this tonight, that you're all out cavorting and making resolutions and standing alongside the highway yelling at cars (or maybe that was my last new year's?). And beyond that, I hope that your new year is full of surprises, changes, joy, happiness, luck, adventure, and peace.

I can hear the fireworks going off from the city, though I can't see them through my window. I can't help but ignore how nervous I am writing this entry - you all usually give me such positive and encouraging feedback, and I truly mean it when I tell each and every one of you that those comments are the reason I keep writing. But, a few days ago, thanks to the wonders of the internet, someone anonymously said that my blog was poorly written. Others chimed in with negative feedback, not limited to my writing. I was completely caught off-guard - my family wanted to spend a pleasant afternoon with me; I only wanted to sulk, to hold a looking-glass up to my insecurities and try to patch them up by picking at them further. I have always taken comfort in my writing; through all of the extracurricular activities and hobbies into which my parents pushed me, writing has always made more sense than anything else. To hear that someone, anyone, didn't see that in my words, or couldn't at least respect my effort and my passion, cut me to the core.

I felt, dear blog-followers, like an idiot. All along I had thought that I was a great writer; that this blog was mere practice for the books, essays, criticism I would write later; that the comments I got on my English papers were a more important source of self-esteem and self-worth than any sort of great social success. And yet, there I was, staring dumbfounded at those simple words, "poorly-written blog," and the subsequent flippant remarks that followed, wondering where I had gone wrong.

It took a day or two before I began to realize that I hadn't gone wrong at all - that as much as I could resent myself for thinking I was or ever could be something greater than I am, or others for doubting me, nothing would change. Regardless of how sincerely and earnestly I try, nothing I do will ever be met with universal appeal. And those few (or many!) who don't agree, who disregard, who don't understand, who write off... they will always be there. And I will always be here. And if I let those few (or many!) keep me from being here, then I've lost - I'm lost.

When you live not for others, but for yourself; when you conduct yourself in a manner with which you are comfortable above all else; when you take risks for the personal reward; when you succeed and share your success with no one; this is perhaps when it is most difficult to receive uninvited criticism. But from that vantage point within yourself, it is also perhaps easiest then to brush that criticism aside - if you are for you, then nevermind when others expect anything else.

So: may you keep this rambly, nervous advice in mind as you make your way through all the decisions, dilemmas, debaucheries, and delights that this new year will invariably bring. May you meet them all smiling.

5 comments:

  1. Alexis,

    First of all, hope you have a terrific year ahead!
    Secondly, I'm surprised that somebody out there thought that your blogs are poorly written. I think that you're a wonderful writer. And I bet a lot many people will agree with me. After all, even Hemingway's writing was criticised by numerous people.
    Keep writing, as I (and your other devoted readers) will keep reading!

    P.S: If you remember, I'm the anonymous prospective 15'er. Unfortunately, my application (not me) got rejected. Dartmouth is great school and I initially started following your blog to get an insight about the school. However, I will continue to do, irrespective of wherever I go to college!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  5. dude, i think your blog is awesome

    ReplyDelete